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What Else Could Devastate Seattle?

By now, everyone in the Pacific Northwest has read the New Yorker piece on the impending earthquake that will undoubtedly devastate Seattle. But that’s only one of the several elements, natural and otherwise, that could spell doom for America’s most caffeinated city.

For those who haven’t already loaded their U-Hauls and headed towards the few other cities where they might feel comfortable (Cropp River, New Zealand; Tutendo, Colombia; Portland; or Portland), here are few other things as likely to doom Seattle as the really big one.

  1. You know those beautiful mountains in the distance? They’re volcanos
  2. Amazon warehouse robots could decide they want to try life on the outside.
  3. Skittle avalanche.
  4. Howard Schultz laughingly caresses a kitten as he lists the actual ingredients in a Venti Frappuccino.
  5. Canadians run out of weed, get pissed, head South.
  6. Subaru announces plans to stop selling cars in Washington State causing a mass exodus.
  7. Legalized recreational weed leads to a really deep conversation where it becomes clear that it doesn’t rain this fucking much anywhere else.
  8. The recycling and sustainable movement becomes so cult-like and extreme that the city’s residents accidentally start composting people who are sleeping, unconscious, or have just paused for second to think.
  9. Seattle is America’s most literate city. Have you ever seen a fight between extremely literate people and less literate people? It’s not nearly as pretty as a mega-earthquake.
  10. Consider this for a second: Seattle is a place where the Space Needle is considered a positive.
  11. Seattleites buy more sunglasses per resident than any other city. And it’s never sunny there. According to the laws of natural selection… Kaboom.
  12. Dave Grohl now drives a minivan. It’s over.

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