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Trump’s Unabridged Health Assessment

  1. Mr. Trump’s blood pressure is 125/85. That’s well within the acceptable range. Although, it did go up slightly when it was suggested that he remove his hazmat suit for the checkup, and he responded, “I’m not wearing a hazmat suit. I’m naked.”
  2. Mr. Trump’s cholesterol levels are fairly low for a man his age. However, his skin is discolored and more of something we might expect to see on Ernie from Ernie and Bert (if Ernie wanted to build a wall to keep Mexicans out).
  3. He is about average in terms of weight and general fitness. Additionally, his skin color is a cross between Garfield’s fur, the shorts they wear at Hooter’s, and the lower half of one of Guy Fieri’s shirts.
  4. He has Cutis Aliquam. (For those who don’t speak Latin … You know Carrot Top? Imagine Carrot Face.)
  5. Our staff dermatologist noticed no abnormal growths — and added that if Mr. Trump’s skin were a homeland security threat level, it would suggest a High Risk of a Terrorist Attack.
  6. It was suggested that Mr. Trump could improve his diet which consists of Cheese Balls, Doritos, Cheese Goldfish, Cheetos, Oranges, Orange Juice, and Orange Soda (and the one taco bowl).
  7. Trump is the New Black. (But, he wanted us to point out, not in the African-American sense — though African Americans love him and say he’s fantastic.)
  8. The patient is orange.

I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.

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