Trump Supreme Court Litmus Test Prep

Welcome to the only course that prepares potential Supreme Court picks for their meeting with the president.

  1. An exercise: Erase every thought from your mind other than: “This guy seems crazy.” But don’t say, “This guy seems crazy” out loud; or give any facial cues that make it pretty obvious you’re thinking “This guy seems crazy.” Start with 3 minutes and work your way up as high as you can go. (It’s a lifetime appointment.)
  2. The president may make a remark that attempts to connect the robes that justices wear to the fact that Harvey Weinstein often enters a hotel room wearing nothing but a robe. At this point, someone in the room might mutter under his breath, “Weinstein. Could you get a more Jewish name?” If that person isn’t you, the supreme court pick probably won’t be you either.
  3. He loves jokes: Memorize a few, starting with this one: A guy walks into a restaurant. When the waiter comes over, the guy says, “I’d like to start with an order of the collusion.” The waiter looks up from his notepad and says, “There is no collusion.”
  4. An exercise: Look at any recent photo of John Bolton: Try not to burst out laughing. Now try to not burst out crying.
  5. The president is going to expect an opinion on his inauguration crowd size. You should also be prepared to name your favorite character from Fox and Friends.
  6. The three key hot button issues the president will ask you about directly will include: abortion, affirmative action, and what you think the message on the back of Melania’s Zara jacket really meant.
  7. If the president attempts to turn the subject towards the Mueller investigation, shrug demurely and say: “Okhota na ved’m.” (That’s Russian for Witch Hunt.)
  8. Expect a series of multiple choice questions such as: Is the US Constitution A) Onerous B) Burdensome or C) A Really Long Read?
  9. While there is no case law that specifically refers to The Space Force, it’s best to pretend there is.
  10. Be ready to sign an NDA.

(Part 2 coming soon…)

Dave Pell Writes NextDraft. It’s Really Good. Get it Here.

I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.