The Pontiff and The Pontificator: Things I thought while reading the news this week.
The Pope sat down with The Donald for nearly a half hour. It was that thing where the most religious dude on the planet tries to convince you that science is real.
After that Montana election, let’s forget The Rock running for President. I’d like to see him become a political journalist.
Fidget Spinners: They’re just fucking toys.
Trump gave a speech about fighting terrorism while selling arms to the Saudis. I get that he skipped a few history classes. But all of them?
After their sit-down, The Pope presented Trump with a gift. A DVD featuring the best of Rosie O’Donnell.
Big picture: If the Saudis had to listen to a Toby Keith concert, the Iranians win.
If Sean Spicer flips on Trump, we should all pitch in and crowd-fund a trip back to the Vatican so he can meet (and be thanked in person by) The Pope.
I hope the GOP health care package covers whiplash caused by seeing the CBO numbers.
Trump went to Israel thinking he could negotiate Middle East peace. Bibi didn’t even throw in a free continental breakfast at The King David Hotel.
By my count, Trump was warned about Mike Flynn by every single person in America, other than Mike Flynn.
I have a feeling that Sean Hannity will get dumped by Fox sometime this summer. I have no facts to back that up. I’m just pulling it out of my ass. So maybe Fox will hire me as his replacement.
The president is going to try to defeat Bob Mueller and the mountain of evidence in the Russia scandal with the lawyer who lost a case to people to whom it once seemed like a good idea to attend Trump University.
In business news: Once quant trading has taken over the entire market, the machines will short humans and that will be it.
The Dems have been looking for a leader. Maybe they found one when Mayor Mitch Landrieu gave his speech about the removal of the Confederate statues in New Orleans. He’s got the tough look we Democrats need right now: Teddy Roosevelt meets the guy from The Shield.
Wilbur Ross on the Saudi leg of the trip: “I think the other thing that was fascinating to me … there was not a single hint of a protestor anywhere there during the whole time we were there, not one guy with a bad placard.” (It would be illegal in Saudi Arabia for me to tell Wilbur Ross how fucking stupid he sounded when he said that.)
A GOP press strategy emerged during the Gianforte outbust: 1) Beat up journalists. 2) Make health care so unaffordable, they can’t see a doctor.
Trump signed the Yad Vashem guestbook like one would sign a high school yearbook: “It is a great honor to be here with all of my friends — so amazing and will never forget!” What’s he gonna write if he visits Bergen Belsen, “Have a nice summer?”
In retracting its hate-filled hogwash about the Seth Rogers murder, Fox News stated that its coverage was not “subjected to the high degree of editorial scrutiny we require for all our reporting.” Even the SNL writers and late night hosts had to admit that was the funniest line of a week.
I wish one reporter had the intuition to ask Trump what NATO stands for. (Not its mission, just what the letters stand for…)
The Guardian shared a bunch of data about how Facebook polices content. It turns out the company’s content moderators even have guidelines on how to deal with posts related to cannibalism. (Twitter gets the bad rap, but all we do there is make bad jokes about people we’re jealous of…)
At one point during their meeting, The Pope mentioned Mike Pence not being able to eat dinner with another woman without his wife present, and he and Trump both chuckled.
Trumpcare only really covers one pre-existing condition: Being rich.
A few years ago, everyone in LA was working on a script. Then came Netflix. Now everyone in LA has their own show.
The one good thing about Trump’s performance in Europe is that now the Europeans won’t accuse us of exaggerating Trump.
Gianforte won the Montana special election. But I prefer to think of him getting sentenced to two years in an insane asylum.
Since we’re the middle of the biggest political news story of our lifetimes, MSNBC might want to consider working weekends. (On the other hand, I could see a hit political show called Lock Up Raw: Apprentice Edition.)
When Trump met Macron, he lied, “You were my guy.” Macron responded by squeezing his hand until he turned orange.
“A review of five studies, involving 260 patients, published last month found that ‘open-label’ placebos — those that patients know contain no active medication — can improve symptoms in a range of conditions.” Face it, we just fuckin’ love taking pills.
We learned this week that Amazon buys so much of the fruit (and gives it free to employees and others), that the company is actually disrupting the banana market. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: “Jeff, bro, seriously … chill.”
At one point last week, Trump tweeted: “Just arrived in Italy for the G7. Trip has been very successful. We made and saved the USA many billions of dollars and millions of jobs.” (And he was only talking about the lawyers.)
Which social network is the biggest downer? According to one study, Instagram is the worst. “Only YouTube had a net-positive effect among the respondents.” (The study must have avoided the comments.)
Macron stood up to Putin while standing right next to him. That will earn him Putin’s respect. Hopefully, it clarifies for Trump what tough looks like. (Yes, my Freedom Fries loving friends, France is now the tough guy.)
The media shared this outtake from the call between Trump and Rodrigo Duterte: “You are a good man. Keep up the good work. You are doing an amazing job … I just wanted to congratulate you because I am hearing of the unbelievable job on the drug problem. Many countries have the problem, we have a problem, but what a great job you are doing and I just wanted to call and tell you that.” (In a weird way, this sort of helps explain how Trump can always be so positive about his sons.)
Google now has the tech to know when its users go to the store and buy stuff. Here comes the new boss. Same as the old boss. (Except the old bosses could barely use a cell phone, and the new bosses won’t stop until they completely control your brain.)
Always be suspicious when an American president is a bigger fan of the Fifth Amendment than he is of Article 5.
Just about everyone in the world wishes that Montenegro Prime Minister Duško Marković had shoved back. Really, really hard. (In fairness, if it hadn’t been for the whole “nuclear weapon thing”, he probably would have.)
Hey Jared, the Pope wants to talk to you again.
If Trump’s trip abroad was a home run, then this guy hit at least a triple.