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Ten Things That Occurred to Me When Someone Turned the Twitter Off

Twitter went down for a few minutes on Thursday night.

  1. My kids are asleep by ten pm on weeknights. That means, at some point over the last few years, they must have figured out how to put themselves to bed. (Also, I have a daughter.)
  2. Cable news on in the background while you’re tweeting? Pretty bad. Cable news alone, horrible.
  3. Thank god I was hitting Sativa when the Twitter went off. Indica and an outage might have pushed me over the edge.
  4. I’m not sure why this one popped into my head, but I think Jack Dorsey should shave the beard.
  5. I tried over and over to get a Tweet through because I had to post what seemed like an urgent take about Donald Trump. (Sidenote: I’m just a dude on my couch.)
  6. There’s been a beeping in my kitchen for years. I finally got up and did something about it. (Pushed against the fridge door until it was fully closed.)
  7. Here’s a new business model idea for Twitter: Turn the service off. Wait for your hardcore users to flip out — and then force them to pay a huge ransom to get their digital drug dispenser turned back on. And I’m not pointing fingers. I’d mortgage my house after about forty-five minutes.
  8. For a second I thought Erdogan’s bodyguards might have unplugged the server.
  9. My hair is gray now. Also, I could have sworn I said no dogs.

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I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.

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