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Ten quick thoughts on the North Carolina bathroom law…

  1. Let me just say that there’s not anything anyone could do to make my typical public restroom experience any worse.
  2. Trust me. No one ever changed their gender to infringe on your public restroom experience
  3. I once had diarrhea at an outdoor Doobie Brothers concert in one hundred-ten degree Calaveras County (famous for its frog jumping contests). I had to climb a steep, grassy hill to get to a bathroom with no stall doors and those wax paper squares for toilet paper. (Sidenote: The Doobie Brothers really are underrated.) Each of the forty or so times I visited this steaming-hot men’s room, a drunk lady who sat at one end of the wooden urinal-trough would say, “Step right up shorty, don’t be shy.” Just drop the stupid law. I promise I’ll have no problem shitting in your state.
  4. Budweiser is temporarily changing its name to America. Isn’t that depressing enough to cover us without adding in some ass-hattish legislation?
  5. You should consider your presidential nominee. If Trump walked in on a coed-bathroom, he wouldn’t know what to do first; snort some lines, drop his trousers, shoot a TV pilot, or run back to his office to get a giant wall sticker that said, Trump. And if that seems like a stretch, there’s always this: No one in America cares less about your faux-moralistic bathroom law than Donald Trump.
  6. The other day, a guy in the next stall was talking on his phone and having explosive diarrhea, and I’m like, “I know this is weird and I really hate to ask, but what’s your birth gender?”
  7. This thing of ours, this thing about being really cruel to people based on their gender-related choices, or their gender preferences, or just their gender, it’s on the way out, man. No one wants to be the last picketer in front of a goddamn toilet.
  8. I avoided taking a dump in a public restroom until the third period of the my 7th grade math class. It was the worst day of my childhood. I know what I’m talking about and I’m telling you that what we have in North Carolina is not a serious bathroom situation.
  9. The first time you try to do go number two (or if you’re from the Valley, Number 2.0) outdoors, here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going pull down your pants and underpants around your ankles, squat, and proceed to go to drop a load into your tightie-whities. It happens to everyone their first time. The next time you realize you need to completely remove your pants and underpants, and then place them at least twenty meters away. No one tells you this stuff. Maybe it’s some kind of hazing. Maybe we don’t like bathroom talk. Whatever it is, I’m telling the truth on this. And I’m telling you the truth about how stupid this law is.
  10. I was born Unisex.

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