If you find yourself rolling your glazed eyes when the guy behind the counter at your local medicinal marijuana dispensary goes all sommelier on you with hyper-detailed descriptions of the most subtle aspects of his artisanal, farm to windpipe, sativa/indica blends, then you’ll appreciate our simplified menu in which we provide a layperson’s guide to our most popular strains.
Deep Purple: Remember when you got your pot card and your pot doctor told you that for your mix of insomnia, anxiety, and chronic pain, you probably want to stick with the purples? Well, if that actually made you feel better, then this probably will too.
Kona Magenta: Two bong hits and you’ll flip to PBS and think to yourself, “Man, that Dr. Wayne Dyer actually makes some pretty good points.”
The Crippler: Pick which channel you want to watch for the next six hours because that remote might as well be a mile away.
DeCaf Blend: You know how some people have a little too much coffee in the afternoon and then want share word-for-word replays of each of their conversations from earlier in the day? Well, right as they start, sneak a couple vape hits of this lobe crusher. By the time you fully come to, they’ll be more than halfway done.
Alabama Shake: Welcome to the corner of what we scrounged up and what you can afford.
Cheap Date: Ever have one of those nights when jerking off doesn’t even seem worth the effort? Just smoke about a half a joint of this. You’ll come around.
Mos Defcon: This is great stuff, but be warned that it will give you a particularly nasty case of the munchies. So before smoking, make available bushels of healthy snacks and place them like landmines between you and the Doritos (or any family pet that may have recently consumed Doritos). For the average weight person, we suggest about a thousand stalks of celery — which should hold you off long enough for the cops to respond to your 911 call. And believe us: You’ll call.
Mind Break: Remember when you and your bros shared half a massive freezer bag of that killer weed and sang this week’s top ten tunes from The Coffeehouse on SiriusXM before any of you realized you hadn’t yet left the counter? Well, this is the other half of that bag. You forgot it when you took off.
The Wall-op: The bad news: At least a handful conscripted drug mules were undoubtedly killed as scores of them attempted to cross the border with a few hundred dime bags shoved towards their colon. The good news: This shit is smooth like butter.
Dread Bull: This is our 100% caffeinated pure Sativa. It will keep things light and keep your energy levels high enough so that you can straighten up a little on the couch when your parents come down to the basement to check if you got any of those grad school applications done.
Fog Cutter: Tired of waking up in the morning only to realize that those great ideas for a screenplay that you had last night are actually an incoherent and wildly unfunny pile of shit? Well, take a hit of this right when you get out of bed and at least one or two of the ideas will seem worth pursuing with your friends with whom you share an invite-only Slack channel channel for creators who refuse to sell out. At least you’ll mean to do that before you get distracted and decide to remind everyone once again why Breaking Away is the greatest movie ever made.
The Id-erator: Before You Inhale: “What kind of perverted loser would be trolling the web looking for grainy sex tapes featuring celebrities that they publicly belittle on Twitter?” After You Inhale: “This guy.” (And you’ll literally point your thumbs towards your chest as you say that.)