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I’m pleased to announce the public launch of our super-stealth but wildly-anticipated new company: Schmux.

Schmux knows you’ve got the big things covered: Car services to drive you places. Food delivery companies to bring farm to table meals to within an arm’s length of your mouth. An eco-friendly, dry cleaning pick-up service. An app to control the thermostat without you having to move a muscle (other than those connected to your thumb). Siri and Alexa arguing over who gets to play you a song, queue up a show, or order you a mattress. A pod-based coffee system to help you avoid the crazy-making, soul-crushing torture associated with the traditional method of brewing a cup, or worse, having to physically enter a cafe and say, “coffee.” And soon you can even look forward the prospect of drone-delivery for those times when getting your package in under and hour isn’t nearly fast enough. (And with your busy schedule, those times are called always.)

And now, Schmux is here to help you with the little things. When you just need a helping hand to enable you to get back to having absolutely nothing to do.

Say you’re enjoing a just-delivered cup of fair-trade coffee that you want to put down on an end table; but it turns out that the end table is just a few inches out of reach. Don’t stress. Order a schmuck. They’ll hold your coffee, freeing you up to focus on getting welcomed back to the social strata where you belong.

Say your child calls out in middle of the night because she had a bad dream. You could get out of bed, put on your robe, walk down the hall, soothe your child back to sleep, and then begin the arduous return trek to the master bedroom. Or, you can call a schmuck. We’ll soothe. You chill.

During our very private beta, we’ve had people use Schmux for all kinds of things: Holding backpacks, picking up socks, turning on or off the light, changing the channel, petting the dog, brushing hair, muting the phone, locking the door, glancing ironically, reading to kids, putting the soap back in the soap dish, laughing knowingly at NPR humor, and just about anything else you can think of. One of our beta users from San Francisco ordered a Schmuck to just stand there and watch him vest.

Your time is valuable and you’ve got the Instagram selfies to prove it.

Don’t be a schmuck. Order one.

(Update: Hey, we just raised another round of funding. Oops, and another!)

Dave Pell is the Schmuck Known as the Managing Editor of the Internet.

I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.

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