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This photo has nothing to do with the post. I just love All in the Family.

I Hate Your Facebook Status Update

I want you to know that I really spent a lot of time deliberating whether or not to Like your most recent Facebook status update.

I’m sure, it’s something you’ve noticed, but would never mention aloud (not even to yourself). I mean we’re both fully aware that I always Like everything you post. Even the not so subtlety self-promotional stuff. And I often accompany my Like with a quick-witted comment such as, “Wow,” “OMG,” or “Another peak experience, you da man!”

In exchange for the Facebook Likes, you agreed to stay the fuck away from me and my family. And you’ve very kindly stuck to your side of the bargain since the incident.

For me to risk the level of security I’ve felt as long as this arrangement has been in place would be reckless, narcissistic, and plainly stupid.

And yet here we are.

In truth, my feelings regarding your status update went beyond simply not Liking it. I even considered reacting with negative emoji (social media’s nuclear option), but I just couldn’t make a case for expending the energy it would require to press the outer edge of my right thumb against a metal trackpad that’s never more than a few centimeters away.

I hate your status update so much I almost Tweeted about it.

And still, my hope is that we can move past all this and restart our tradition. Perhaps, we can begin with the shared assumption that your next post will be less despicable. And for my part, I offer this very Medium essay (the only one in the Life category that’s not by someone who just quit their job).

That’s my best offer. One remarkably well-written and hilarious Medium post in exchange for the right to withhold a single Like. In fact, you should be the first to share this post on Facebook and I’ll be the first to Like it, and it will be just like none of this ever happened (I mean, other than the incident).

If you’re not reading Dave Pell’s NextDraft, you’re out of your mind.

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