In a Dickensian saga perfectly reflective of our times, AMI, the David Pecker-headed parent company of The National Enquirer, attempted to extort Jeff Bezos with a below the belt threat to expose his prime member. But Pecker picked the wrong dick to shaft. With a net-worth north of $135 billion, the potential victim was particularly well-endowed to fight with sticks or stones. Some people have F U money. Bezos has Jeff U money. So the fluffer called the bluffer and prematurely revealed the whole story at length (not that size matters): No thank you, Mr. Pecker. And now the plot thickens (and hardens) because if AMI acted unlawfully, it could de-rail their immunity deal with federal prosecutors. They thought they had Jeff’s dick in a box, but this is guy who knows how to return a package. Bezos’ full frontal assault ties the story back to Trump, the Saudis, and the Mueller investigation. So if this scandal lasts for more than four hours, call your broadband company. You’re gonna need more bandwidth. (I know it seems like I got a little too hung up on the wordplay, but to paraphrase Nicki Minaj/Sir Mix-a-Lot, my Anaconda don’t want none unless you got puns son.)

  • The New Yorker: “Memo to the honchos at the National Enquirer: if you are going to threaten one of the richest men in the world by saying that you have sexually explicit selfies of him and his girlfriend, don’t have your lawyer and top editor put the threats in writing. The rich guy might decide he can ride out a stolen dick pic or two, especially if he’s already announced that he’s getting divorced.” (Shorter version: Alexa don’t play.)

This was the lead story in today’s NextDraft, Dave Pell’s look at the most fascinating news. You can subscribe or get the app here.

I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.

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