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This is totally not me, Gawker. So just move along.

An Open Letter to Thiel, Gawker, and Hogan

  1. Mr. Thiel, on behalf of every indie publisher, and every person who holds dear the freedom of the press and the right to open, public discourse, free from the threat of dire repercussions; I have something to say to you and I want you to hear it loud and clear. But, right now, I’m too scared. Also, I’m a big fan of PayPal.
  2. Hey all you slimeballs at Gawker who have brought the trash of Hollywood celebrity gossip-style rags up North to our great tech industry (where we we’re doing nothing more than making our billions, minding our own business, and trying to get our kids to let us join their Snapchat) so you could spread your dirt and smut on our wholesome community, I’m gonna give you a piece of my mind. But first I’m going to put masking tape over my laptop camera and delete the folder on my hard drive that I labeled, Other Files.
  3. And you Hulk Hogan! Let’s come up with a set of rules around having sex with your friend’s wife (no matter how much he begs you to). And camera or no camera, Brother, you’re gonna have to up your game in the bedroom. Even by WWE standards, her orgasm looked fake. Side note: Who would have thought that when compared to a middling Internet publisher, and a bizarre twitchy Internet billionaire nerd, the professional wrestler would be the person I’m least scared of? That said; just kidding. I’m sure your dick looks way bigger in real life. And I thought your work in Mr. Nanny was entirely underrated.
  4. (Redacted)

Dave Pell writes NextDraft. Unless this post seemed at all offensive, in which case the man has no name and is just doing his thing for the Many-Faced God.

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