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30 Quick Takes on Debate 2

The Worst Tinder Date Ever…

  1. You could have streamed tonight’s debate on PornHub.
  2. It made sense that Anderson Cooper was moderating since cable news helped to create this monster.
  3. His sniffing said cocaine. His demeanor said Xanax.
  4. Trump’s side of the debate sounded exactly like a Studio54 bathroom in the eighties.
  5. Hillary dropped the boldly colored pantsuit and went with the perfect vibe for the evening: Nun Chic.
  6. Donald Trump says he has a secret plan for ISIS. If I were ISIS, I’d be guarding my pussy right about now.
  7. Line of the night from Hillary: “We are great because we are good.” Line of the night from Donald: “Sniff.”
  8. When they go low, cover your private parts.
  9. From the looks of his full profile shot, it’s clear Trump is too fat to be Miss Universe.
  10. Trump said as president, he will hire a special prosecutor to go after Hillary. And that special prosecutor is gonna have a great pussy, believe me.
  11. Full Disclosure on my debate coverage: Holy Mother Fucking Shit.
  12. Trump said Hillary knows what the letter C stood for on her emails. We all know what Donald thinks the letter C stands for.
  13. Complaining about the moderators, Trump said, “This is like a one on three.” Yeah, you wish dude.
  14. That image of Trump standing behind Hillary is the weirdest visual in American political history.
  15. Trump hit hard. And many of his supporters will like that. Let’s not kid ourselves. But he looked like a punching bag. She looked totally cool. He hit so hard, he knocked himself out. His campaign is over. His brand is ruined.
  16. Debate Score: Even Donald Trump couldn’t write off this loss.
  17. Trump on Humayun Khan: “If I were president he would’ve been alive today.” That would be impossible because the entire universe would have been destroyed by an outside force. I’m not religious. But I believe that.
  18. The good news: If you play poker with Donald Trump, now at least you know he has a slight tell.
  19. The biggest health care learning of the night: Obamacare should cover oxygen tanks for presidential candidates.
  20. With all the business practice he’s had, Trump should just declare moral bankruptcy.
  21. When politicians talk about Syria, Americans check the football score.
  22. Think about this for a second: Compared to his other performances, this one wasn’t half bad. And it was the second worst by anyone, ever.
  23. Relax. The Deplorables are watching Sunday Night Football.
  24. Donald said Hillary “has tremendous hate in her heart.” By that point in the evening, we all did.
  25. Somewhere towards the end of the debate, Donald became the first businessperson to say something positive about Twitter this quarter.
  26. Trump talked about Scalia. At that moment, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Scalia’s dead hand came up from the grave, grabbed Trump’s ankle, and pulled him to nevermore.
  27. Conspiracy Theory: Maybe Trump released the pussy tape himself to distract us from his debating shortcomings.
  28. Hillary should have ended the debate by popping a Tic Tac.
  29. Someone with a pussy just kicked Trump’s ass.

Dave Pell writes NextDraft. CNN once called him a pundit. That’s a lie.

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I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.

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