Image for post
Image for post

20 Things Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Upset Win Means for Humanity

She’s great and it means lot. But maybe not quite as much as pundits suggest.

  1. It suggests a changing of the guard in the Democratic Party and alters how upcoming candidates will run. Also, from now on, clickbait links will always lead to something entertaining, inspiring, and informative.
  2. Until now, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s district covered the eastern Bronx and northern Queens. It now includes places as far afield as Green Bay, Portland, and most of Canada.
  3. Before Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, people consumed water orally. From now on, we can also absorb water through our index fingers.
  4. The NYC Subway: Now like brand new.
  5. You know how worried you’ve been that Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande are moving way too fast and that the relationship is doomed? Well, stop worrying. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win means they will live happily ever after.
  6. Coming soon: The Wire, Season 6.
  7. Inspired by the unpredictable win by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Nigerian email scammers have dropped their phishing efforts. (They’re currently working on a hilarious emoji app.)
  8. Post-Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, Allen Iverson is totally open to talking about practice
  9. You know that grudge you’ve been holding onto for decades? Well, try to remember it. Can’t do it right? That’s because it’s gone.
  10. Free upgrades. (On everything.)
  11. Now that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has completed her upset win, whenever you mute someone on Twitter, they also disappear in real life.
  12. Cats are no longer assholes.
  13. Facebook will launch an AI-powered happy birthday generator that automatically delivers each of your friends a personalized birthday message that perfectly represents the closeness of your relationship. You never have to type Happy Birthday again.
  14. Thanks to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, you will now have a postage stamp whenever you need one.
  15. No cashier will ever hand you your change wrong. Change first, then the bills. Just like that. For-fucking-ever. Why? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, that’s why.
  16. Next time you press the No Button when your gas pump asks you if you want a receipt, it will remember your answer and never ask you again.
  17. You know how certain activities like sitting or smoking take years off your life? Well Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win just added years to your life. (Possibly up to a thousand…)
  18. Radiohead’s next album is going to be 100% upbeat.
  19. From now on, wherever you are — home, work, vacation, an outdoor concert — you get your own private bathroom.
  20. Every single American now owns preferred shares in a scooter company.

One thing that didn’t change since Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win is that NextDraft is still awesome, free, and right here.

I write NextDraft, a quick and entertaining look at the day’s most fascinating news.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store