20 Things Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Upset Win Means for Humanity
She’s great and it means lot. But maybe not quite as much as pundits suggest.
- It suggests a changing of the guard in the Democratic Party and alters how upcoming candidates will run. Also, from now on, clickbait links will always lead to something entertaining, inspiring, and informative.
- Until now, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s district covered the eastern Bronx and northern Queens. It now includes places as far afield as Green Bay, Portland, and most of Canada.
- Before Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, people consumed water orally. From now on, we can also absorb water through our index fingers.
- The NYC Subway: Now like brand new.
- You know how worried you’ve been that Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande are moving way too fast and that the relationship is doomed? Well, stop worrying. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win means they will live happily ever after.
- Coming soon: The Wire, Season 6.
- Inspired by the unpredictable win by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Nigerian email scammers have dropped their phishing efforts. (They’re currently working on a hilarious emoji app.)
- Post-Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, Allen Iverson is totally open to talking about practice
- You know that grudge you’ve been holding onto for decades? Well, try to remember it. Can’t do it right? That’s because it’s gone.
- Free upgrades. (On everything.)
- Now that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has completed her upset win, whenever you mute someone on Twitter, they also disappear in real life.
- Cats are no longer assholes.
- Facebook will launch an AI-powered happy birthday generator that automatically delivers each of your friends a personalized birthday message that perfectly represents the closeness of your relationship. You never have to type Happy Birthday again.
- Thanks to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, you will now have a postage stamp whenever you need one.
- No cashier will ever hand you your change wrong. Change first, then the bills. Just like that. For-fucking-ever. Why? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win, that’s why.
- Next time you press the No Button when your gas pump asks you if you want a receipt, it will remember your answer and never ask you again.
- You know how certain activities like sitting or smoking take years off your life? Well Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win just added years to your life. (Possibly up to a thousand…)
- Radiohead’s next album is going to be 100% upbeat.
- From now on, wherever you are — home, work, vacation, an outdoor concert — you get your own private bathroom.
- Every single American now owns preferred shares in a scooter company.
One thing that didn’t change since Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s upset win is that NextDraft is still awesome, free, and right here.
